Bhutan's Only Fake News Site

Complete text of JigsNews interview with Kuensel on social media and anonymity

Social Media forums, including Twitter have helped record and document the trend of anonymous, unfiltered, moderated conversations. JigsNews sees this trend in a socio-anthropological perspective, where a society’s loud thinking, which is easily forgotten in our oral tradition, is documented for posterity. 

  Amend the Tobacco Control Page had a purpose and after it purpose was served it died down. We cannot really say that there is a revival of anonymous posting. Consider the ‘Social Democracy’ Facebook page. It is very active. At the same timewww.kuzuzangpo.com  though it has been online for a long time, permitting anonymous posting, is not that active. 

JigsNews believes that satire and parody is essential for a healthy, functioning democracy. But in our society, it can be easily be mistaken for mudslinging. Infact, JigsNews has not fully explored the potential of satire, the way Onion has been doing. It is because of this caution that JigsNews could be branded as partisan. You must have noticed the undying interest to know the identity of JigsNews. This yearning to know the identity behind the mask, also enables to searcher to formulate his or her ideas on ‘who JigsNews is with’ or ‘what our agenda is’.  

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Exclusive behind the door details from Bhutan-China talks

Here are exclusive details from the ongoing closed door talks between Bhutan and China in Thimphu. We are publishing the first draft of what was agreed by China to Bhutan and vice versa.

A bridge of River Maokhola  in southern Bhutan was promised by the DPT when it came to power. Lack of funds stalled the project. During the ongoing border talks between Bhutan and China in Thimphu, the Bhutanese side has agreed to name the bridge after Chairman Mao if funds come by from there. 

Promises from the Chinese side

Ten Chinese gymnasts will represent Bhutan in 2016 Olympics. China promises a minimum of one gold, one silver and two bronze medals for Bhutan to keep.

China will reinforce vigilance on border to ensure that Bhutanese cordyceps do not crawl into China. Visa will be made obligatory.

All Bhutanese citizens will get automatic Shanghai(ed) visa upon arrival in China.

China will sponsor a Made In China wooden chair, which’ll collapse in 2 years, for Bhutan’s non-permanent seat in UN security council.

All city buses will have preinstalled radios tuned to Chinese stations. Buses will be supplied wit newspapers from Beijing.

Promises from the Bhutanese side

Bhutan will dedicate bridge over Mao Khola to Chairman Mao if funds to build it comes from Beijing.

Bhutan will allow silent prayers in Mandarin in front of the world’s largest sitting Dodenma Buddha in Thimphu built with Chinese labor.

Bhutan will accept itself to be called ‘The Land of the Smaller Peaceful Dragon’.

Bhutan will stop its plan to build the Great Wall of Bhutan along the Chinese border which was supposed to block fresh O2 flowing from Bhutanese forests into  polluted Chinese cities.

Bhutan agrees to rename doma (bettlenut) stain as Chinese red.

Why Bhutan cannot win an Olympics medal

 

Some irresponsible and insensitive Bhutanese have been trolling on why Bhutan cannot win an Olympics medal. But a JigsNews and International Olympic Committee joint study reveals that non-winning has nothing to do with capabilities, but more with the political, social-economic, geographical & cultural conditions. 

Archery and shooting: Foreign media has been praising Bhutan for not winning any medal and are exoticising our athletes so much that they blush the moment they read an article on them. But our study reveals that while Bhutanese are good in traditional archery, their inability to win an international tournament has a Chinese connection. Even though the archery set they uses seems to come from US or Europe, the manual rolled around the bow-string is always in Chinese. After all everything is made in China these days.  And you know how difficult it is to get a Chinese interpreter in Bhutan.

And moreover, Bhutanese can’t win a shooting or archery competition unless there is someone to distract them at the target end. Department of Culture should consider composing some lewd songs aimed at our archery maiden and have men singing it. And the effect of prayers for winning has geographical limitations. Dechenphodrang is too far from London.

  

Water Sports: Blame it on the Blessed Rainy Day, a very auspicious day in Bhutan where the whole country takes a shower. Astrologers have warned against potential swimmers that if they practice everyday, then Blessed Rainy Day will have no effect. And which Bhutanese would want to win gold instead of god?

 

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5 survival tips for PDP to row into 2013

Dear PDP President, in your interview to Bhutan Observer, you asked DPT not to bother about the deadline given by ECB to repay the 2008 debt. But as the all-knowing, JigsNews understands that you are really worried. Our suggestion; give a post-dated 2013 cheque to all debtors and strictly adhere to the following tips that will make sure PDP wins the next polls.

 

Have you every realized that by shaving your head often, you were shaving off your luck. Remember this Nordic saying, “You last hair strand is like a lone solider in a battle, nothing can beat his pride.”

1. You need four horses

You know why DPT lost the other Gasa constituency in 2008?  So tweak your party symbol and increase the number of horses to four. Make it wind horses so that they can walk, as well as fly, and fight the cranes.  It also transcends linguistic divides (Lungtha, Kurtha).  Wind horses also help fight the ECB. If worse comes to worst, tell Dasho Kunzang Wangdi that you are heading a new party, and the debt of one horse over the four years increased to four. 

2. Luck is in your hair

Have you every realized that by shaving your head often, you were shaving off your luck. Remember this Nordic saying, “You last hair strand is like a lone solider in a battle, nothing can beat his pride.”

3. Give power, not water

Your new slogan ‘Power to the People’ is a great idea, because everyone needs electricity. The country needs it to earn foreign revenue; houses need it for their rice cookers. And with new power projects coming up, you would even be able to lower the power tariff.  JigsNews heard some PDP men want to change the slogan to ‘Water to the People.’ Never ever do it. You can promise power but never water; even capital Thimphu is caught in a water crisis.   

4. Walk, don’t cycle

The success to a good political victory is walking and not cycling.  Even though the PM earlier said he wants to make Thimphu a bicycle city, he did not really pursue the idea. Instead he introduced the Pedestrian Day. See, he found the walking idea was good.  Now you have to beat him in his own game. To be with the people don’t cycle, walk and talk.

5. Stop blogging, start flogging

The media, local and international, has praised you as a tech-savvy politician. They shower praises on your blog.  But history tells us that a good blogger doesn’t win wars or elections, Alexander the Great never was on blogspot.  Napoleon used to punish people who mentioned the word ‘blog’. Our own prime minister, despite having a Macbook and an iPad with pre-installed blogging applications never took to it.

Why? Because he believes only in flogging, even if its only with his tongue.  You know, we Bhutanese love being flogged once in a while. Do you remember, during the campaign, while PDP requested votes, DPT demanded it.  Our prime minister scolded the voters, and they loved it.  So stop (or limit) blogging and start flogging.

How Buddha and pencil batteries connect India, Bhutan and China

Earlier in this blog, JigsNews has unraveled the other side of ties with China. Adding to that, our research team -without any funding - has discovered that among the three countries a strong love triangle exists. Excerpts from our findings.

1. Lord Buddha who lived and spread his teachings in India has got a statue atop a Bhutanese hill. And who made it? The Chinese. 

2.  Latest reports say that Chinese buses will ply as city buses on road made by India’s Dantak in Thimphu.

3. Chinese pencil batteries sold by Bhutanese middlemen has been lighting Indian torches for many years.

4. A JigsNews source said Dasho Karma Ura will start his professorship at a Chinese by wearing his favourite Indian-made Raymond 3 piece suit.

5.  And the melting ice from Kulagangri (which China claims as it’s) is tapped at Bhutanese hydropower dams and sold to India. 

REALNEWS: Bhutanmania spreads across Singapore’s spit-free streets

(The Going Oversease For Advanced Reporting (Go-Far Bhutan) group with the team leader Cherian George. They will be here in the country from July 30 till August 10. Photo 1 courtesy, Go-Far Bhutan’s Facebook page. Photo 2 courtesy: http://gofar.sg/ )

First it was Singapore’s development minister Khaw Boon Wan who talked of Bhutan’s unhappiness, and he got it real bad for saying that the only smiling people where tourists, children and foreign volunteers. That was last year. But now, senior economists of this city-state where gum chewing was a crime till recently is fascinated with doma-chewing Bhutan. Economists Yeoh Lam Keong and Manu Bhaskaran from the Institute of Policy Studies say Singapore should adopt GNH indicators, which include studying one’s jealousy, frustration and selfishness.

Mr Yeoh said 20 years back Singapore was perfect with affordable housing, social medicine and an egalitarian education system, but now the country has lost it all. The economists were talking to a group of journalism students who will be reaching Bhutan next week to soak in GNH.

The team called ‘Go-Far Bhutan 2012’ will make documentaries, write articles and take photographs on how happy Bhutan’s housing system is affordable, awe at the quality of education in schools, and watch the efficiency of the health sector. The story ideas that students from the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information, Nanyang Technological University, are looking at include the dimensions of how Bhutanese use ‘la’ to end a sentence, the team’s FB page said.

Heights of everything in Bhutan; from politics to desperation

(Height of Politics: MP Sangay Khandu in Lunana at 18,000 feet. Photo courtesy www.sangaykhandu.com )

Height of Democracy – Drivers in ECB selected by a secret ballot of office staffs by Dasho Kunzang Wangdi

Height of Impossibility – Lyonpo Zangley Drukpa nominated for lifelong GNH ambassadorship

Height of Heights – Lyonpo Thinley Gyamtsho, Lyonpo Kunzang Dorji, Lyonpo Dorji Wangdi, Lyonpo Minjur Dorji & Azha Namgay in NBA 

Height of Success – Dasho Penjor Dorji of DMT becoming the PM

 Height of Confusion – GNH talk between the Speaker, Lyonpo Nandalal Rai & Lyonpo Zangley Drukpa

Height of Patience – A bridge over Mao Khola 

Height of Surprise – MP Prahlad Gurung standing to speak in the NA

Height of Expectation – Opposition Leader sending friend request to PM on Facebook 

Height of Politics – MP Sangay Khandu in Lunana

Height of Stupidity – Lyonpo Yeshey Zimba (re)presenting the Trowa Theater case

Height of Laziness – Bhutan Media Foundation

Height of Ego – Lyonpo Wangdi Norbu in Jaigaon with a bundle of ngultrum

Height of Kindness – Government willing to sell Trowa Theater land to poor businessman 

Height of Effort – PM JYT riding bicycle on Pedestrian Day

Height of Silence – A day in the parliament without MP Tshering Penjore 

Height of Confidence – Lyonpo Nandalal Rai chartering a flight to Yongphula

Height of Anonymity – JigsNews using Spiderman mask to cover Atsara mask.

Height of Stinginess – Media consultancy firm funded by external agency asking refreshment money from participants

Height of Irritation – Tenzing Lamsang prodding a news source 

Height of Arrogance – RMA Governor telling NC to collect documents from his office

Height of Illusion – Aum Neten’s dream of corruption free Bhutan

Height of Courage – China-Bhutan ties

Height of Hypocrisy – 11^th Plan theme ‘Rural Prosperity’. 

Height of Show-off – Education City

Height of Desperation – Lyonpo Khandu Wangchuk at New Delhi to raise the INR credit line to 10b.

Oh MP, My MP

(JigsNews dedicates the following poem to Punakha MP Tshering Penjore as the 9th Session of parliament comes to a close. During the past one month, not a single day in parliament has passed without him talking. Thanks to his irresponsible remarks during discussions, he is the only MP to have a fake account created in his name on twitter, MPTsheringPenjo. This poem is an expanded version of what CrossRabbit1, a JigsNews fan has penned.) 

Oh round Tshering Penjore has come out of the west,

Through all the NA sessions his speech was the best.

And save his shiny patang he weapon had none,

But words flowed with doma stains, till he was fully done.

……………….

He spoke all unarmed and he spoke all alone,

He even spoke in the hall, when there was none.

So faithless in love and so dauntless at night

Yet forever he was there, ever ready to fight.

……………..

So boldly he enters the hall, and lays his bag to rest,

And raises his hand to throw a jab at his best.

The Speaker avoids his glance and searches elsewhere,

But when it’s his hand alone, Speaker says ‘Yes, you there’.

………………

Begins he, ‘So much water has under the bridge flown,

From east, west, north & south, much wind has blown.

Birds have gone and since long come home, but alas!

I forgot I stood up to say ‘Jabchor Yoe La’.

…………….

Many have said ‘Again he is getting up, oh what a bore’,

But there never was a MP like Tshering Penjore.

Bhutanese handicrafts shopkeepers will oppose any move to have China ties

 

(A JigsNews investigation found that a Chinese delegationwho had come to Bhutan took photographs of Bhutanese-made ties from the crafts bazaar to copy the design)

Handicrafts shop owners in Bhutan are reportedly taking Chinese lessons to write to Chinese prime minister Wen Jiabo to immediately drop any plans to introduce ties from China to Bhutan. This comes after the alarmingly clandestine move by China to force Bhutan to accept ‘Made In China’ ties into Bhutan. 

A JigsNews source from the Thimphu Crafts Bazaar said handmade ties woven with traditional Bhutanese material have a good market now and is a big hit among foreign tourists. Allowing Chinese ties to flood in the market would really affect the local market.  The handicrafts shop owners association said Chinese are capable of weaving ties that can imitate the Bhutanese ones and sell it at a much cheaper price

“How can Bhutan allow a Chinese diplomatic mission here just for a few ties?” asked a shopkeeper. The association in a press release said the statement from the foreign ministry denying the Chinese tie rumor cannot be accepted. They also said the Bhutanese media has been irresponsible in reporting on the tie issue which quoted Chinese, Indian and other international newspapers on the issue but never took the effort to meet the handicrafts shop owners association. 

“We will not believe the government unless the department of trade issues a statement. The foreign ministry has nothing to do with ties,” the statement said. 

A JigsNews investigation found that a Chinese delegationwho had come to Bhutan took photographs of Bhutanese-made ties from the crafts bazaar to copy the design. 

“Today they will import ties, and tomorrow they will import ghos and kiras,” an angry shopkeeper said.

The tie issue is expected to become more sensitive as JigsNews learnt that Bhutanese ties are also becoming really popular for different reasons. 

“Some kinky tourists from Europe buy it to tie up their partners during sex sessions. They say the Bhutanese ties are as good as whips and ropes,” said a handicrafts shopkeeper.

From Adidas to Sherubtse College, new slogans to match the Jigs era

Thousands of companies, foreign and local have been writing to us on how JigNews have been changing the way humans think around the world. To keep up with the times, they asked us to suggest new slogans for them. Here is our compilation.  

Kuensel                                              - That the Nation shall be Jigs

Bhutan Times                                    - Your Sunday Jigspanion

Bhutan Observer                              - The Jigs Voice

Bhutan Today                                     - A Jigs Perspective

Business Bhutan                               - Dealing Jigs

Bhutan Youth                                    - Say what Jigs Thinks

The Bhutanese                                  - The Jigs Way or Highway

Bhutan Broadcasting Service           - The Jigs Expression

Tourism Council of Bhutan              - Happiness is Jigs

Bhutan Telecom                                - Always Jigs for you

Bhutan National Bank                      - The Jigs Bank

Druk PNB                                           - Your Jigs Partner

Anti Corruption Commission           - 0 tolerance for all, except Jigs

Election Commission of Bhutan       - Ensuring free, fair & Jigs elections

Sherubtse College                             - Jigs for Excellence

Druk Phuensum Tshogpa                - Equity & Jigstice

People’s Democratic Party               - Walking & Talking Jigs

LG                                                      - Life is Jigs

Adidas                                               - Impossible is nothing, Jigs is everything

Nike                                                    - Jigs does it

Haig Scotch Whiskey                         - Don’t be shy, ask for Jigs

Braniff Airlines                                  - When you are Jigs, flaunt it

Burger King                                       - Have it the Jigs way

Wendy’s                                             - Where’s the Jigs?

The Independent                              - It is. Are you Jigs?

Campbell Soup                                  - M’m! M’m! Jigs!

Citi Bank                                             - Jigs Never Sleeps

Federal Express                                - When it’s Jigs, has to be there overnight.

Hallmark                                            - When you care enough to send the very Jigs.

IBM                                                         - I think after Jigs.

Kit Kat                                                - Have a break. Have a Jigs.

Trowa cow wants Grass Domestic Product, not Generous National Happiness

( I love chewing this film posters: JigsNews talked to a thsethar cow who roams around the Thimphu Trowa Theater who is worried about the owner losing the theater lease land to the government. Aum Cow, who also wants to be resettled to greener pastures has apprehensions whether her application, under the proposed Land Act 2012, will be approved by the cabinet as she follows a political party that has a cow as its symbol)

The ruling government seems to be basking too much in GNH principles that it is becoming too generous; a clause in the mineral development policy to have only one mine for a family was removed, it wants to sell the Trowa theater land to its owner on compassionate grounds, and lastly it wants control over land commission so that the cabinet can decide to resettle people according to its benevolent wishes. 

JigsNews immediately contacted a thsethar cow roaming near the Trowa Theater for her views on this generosity bubble. She was first hesitant to talk to our correspondent as she thought the world’s biggest generosity was her life itself. A few minutes of intelligent ruminations by our correspondent had the cow flat on the expressway. “ You JigsNews, you are as intelligent as our MPs. Ok, now ask,” she said.

JigsNews: Do you watch movies at Trowa? 

Cow: No Jiggy, but I watch people walking in and out, that’s all. When there is no enough grass and when no one is watching, I chew film posters; Bhutanese actors and directors have very good taste. But I am sad these days. The owners couldn’t pay the lease and I fear the theater will close down.

JigsNews: No Aum Cow, the human settlement minister, Lyonpo Yeshey Zimba wants to sell the land to the Trowa owner at a negotiated price as the owner is unable to pay the lease amount. 

Cow: Thanks for the news, you are choo chweet Jiggy. That saves me from walking all the way to Lugar to eat posters. I agree with the minister, the poor Trowa owner has to maintain a couple of SUVs, bungalows, businesses and he does it all for his happiness. So I can understand his difficulty in paying the lease money. Thank God, I do not have to pay lease for the expressway sidewalks from where I eat grass.

JigsNews:  I understand your love for Dzongkha movies, but if you want to move to greener pastures, you can apply to government for resettlement land.

Cow: Ohh Jiggy, you are so intelligent. Where do you get all this information from? I thought only His Majesty could allot land. But now, you are saying I can apply for land to the government and be resettled? 

JigsNews: Yes, but the decision is yet to be finalized as the parliament has to approve it first, and then…

Cow: Wait wait wait. I have a small problem. I am not a DPT supporter like the Trowa owner. I am for Druk Mitser Tshogpa because it is the only party that stand for cow rights. See, only they have a cow as the party symbol.

JigsNews: That I don’t think so, In Bhutan only JigsNews is partial. The government is supposed to be impartial to cows, humans, theater proprietors, fronting lords and madams, mine owners etc…

Cow: But, I don’t believe in GNH either. Because GNH is only about air, Bhutan wants to sell clean air through carbon credits. And GNH is all over the air. I believe in GDP because it’s about my little patch of land where I can graze and sleep. And I want to be a domestic cow. I believe in Grass Domestic Product. 

JigsNews: Grass Domestic Product, what? 

Cow: Yes Jiggy, the product from a domestic cow that eats grass. You take my milk tey. 

What RTI means to 10 Bhutanese ministries & others

Since different agencies have different ideas on what the Right to Information Act means, the Act will not be tabled in the upcoming parliament session. See what ministries, agencies, and people think what RTI is. 

Ministry of Home and Cultural Affairs: Right To Interrupt. 

Ministry of Health:  Right To Infect. 

Ministry of Foreign Affairs: Right To Influence. 

Ministry of Labour: Right To Idle. 

Ministry of Education: Right to Irony. 

Ministry of Agriculture: Right To Irritate.  

Ministry of Finance: Right To Inflate. 

Ministry of Works and Human Settlement: Right to Imperil.

Ministry of Information: Right to Infuriate 

Ministry of Economic Affairs: Right to Imperialize

And for Others:

Former Dasho’s Club: Right to Inclusion.

ACC: Right To Ignore.

The Rapist: Right to Insert.

Youth: Right To Interlope.

Drug Addict: Right to Inhale.

Lyonchen Jigmi Y Thinley: Right to Idealism.

Media: Right to Immaturity.

For the Unemployed: Right To Imagine.

For singles: Right to Introduction.

For Sherubtsians: Right To Illegitimize.

Tenzin Lamsang: Right to Inquisitiveness.

For the Conman: Right to Impersonate.

BNCA: Right to Impose. 

RMA: Right To Irresponsibility.  

RMA Governor: Right to Ignorance.

Joseph Stiglitz: Right to Interpret. 

ECB: Right to Ink.

 Civil Servants: Right To Inactivity. 

House Husbands: Right to Insincerity

Forest Fires: Right to Inflame

DHI: Right to Invest.

Buddhism: Right to Imaterialize.

Opposition Party: Right to Impeach. 

Banks: Right to Insolvency.   

Dasho Karma Ura: Right to Intellect

GNH: Right to Indoctrinate. 

MP Sonam Kinga: Right To Impress.

MP Sangay Khandu: Right To Illusion 

JigsNews: Right To Insight